Getting On Day by Day

Well I think my panic attacks are finally going away. My doctor said that the medicine I am on is probably causing them and as my body adjusts they should stop. YEAH Had the family, in-laws, over last night for my mother-in-laws 65th birthday. VERY stressful. The only people that now, besides by husband and girls, is my one sister-in-law and her husband. Like my sister-in-law, Tracie, said..even a sane person has a hard time dealing with the family...so she was sure I must have been a tad stressed. We laughed at that. It's okay to make "jokes" about what I'm dealing with...we all know how serious it is, but sometimes you just have to find humour where you can. My biggest thing I do, that I've noticed, that when I'm feeling "stressed" I tend to clench my jaw..by the end of last night my jaw was sore (LOL). I really like my therapist and my psychatrist. I have alot of issues that I never learned how to deal with, I just blocked them out. I have a feeling that something happened when I was younger that I totally blocked out...I'm not sure I want to go there and remember. I just want to deal with those things I remember and get on with my life.

Dealing

On January 2nd I had a "breakdown" ie: I tried to kill myself. What led to this? I am, was, a strong person. My biggest insecurity(s) is not thinking I am good enough for my husband to the point that I thought he would be better off w/o me and my shape..or lack there-of..flat chested. I've been off work since 10/27/08 due to a herniated disc, so due to that I've gotten "soft" around the middle and have a tummy roll bigger than my tits. Besides that, as I was saying I've always been strong, I can do it all, very outgoing, not alot of "girl-friends", but friendly with everyone, strong willed, pretended well, could fake with the best of them I've learned. Not your typical depression...didn't dress all in black, sit around all day, I wear makeup, do my hair, go out with my husband and kids. I am NOT depressed, or so I thought. I could have been one heck of an actor, maybe even earned a Golden Globe. Anyway....I survived, thank goodness, but spent 3 days locked in a mental ward...not a fun place to be. My sister-in-law, thank God for her, told me that I would not get the exact help I needed there but it was a place to detox in a way, get some meds and take a breather. She was so right. Two other women were there that I made friends with..they had checked in themselves....and realized that this was not the place to be for the help we needed. It was very scary at first, then very sad. I've been out since the 5th and have had 3 panic attacks. Scary..never had them before..my wall really crumbled. I am remembering things from my past that I hid very well.....or if they "came up" I thought them away with things like, that really never bothered me, get over it...it really wasn't that bad. I've started questioning myself on things and I'm scared. Scared that I know deep down I have to open those doors to the past, walk in and meet those memories head on. Tomorrow is my first real therapy session. I had the meet and greet last week....but tomorrow it starts. I'm the kind of person that would like to just sit down and get all over with at once. I have a list...of what I want to discuss and would like to follow it...but I bet it doesn't work that way. I'll know tomorrow....till then.......